Washington, DC
The White House
From the Dissociated Press
Following on the success of previous Executive Orders, in the face of which cowered large law firms, prestigious universities, and public schools, President Donald J Trump today issued three new Orders designed to promote his idea of the truth, and to inject his personal style into all facets of life in the United States.
Liberty
The first executive order was aimed at the National Park service. It required the Park Rangers at Lberty National Park in New York Harbor to immediately, if not sooner, replace the poem in the book cradled in the statue’s, arms, with a poem of the Presidents owne composition. The replacement poem reads as follows:
Take back your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Take these, the homeless, tempest-tost from me,
I snuff my lamp beside the golden door!
Equality
The second executive order threatened all schools, colleges, universities, and libraries that receive federal money, to rescind these funds unless they made the following changes in all books, magazines, textbooks, posters, and other places where citizens might read the Declaration of Independence or the Constitution. From the Declaration, he ordered them to strike the phrase, “all men are created equal.” And from the preamble of the Constitution to strike the phrases, “establish justice,” and “promote the general welfare.”
Perversity
The third and most colorful Executive Order, applying to schools and colleges that wish to continue receiving Federal funds, calls for each classroom to display a portrait of said President Donald J. Trump in a conspicuous place. A QR code on the Oder pointed to a product page on Amazon where schools could choose from three (3) sizes of picture, and four (4) different mottos:
• You’re fired!
• Let’s Make a Deal
• Semper Rex
• Caveat Emptor
(As of this writing, the last choice was reported oversubscribed.)
Fearing reprisals, no one from the National Park Service, or the schools and colleges would comment on these orders for the record.
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(None of this is true.)