To: All new Appointees and Existing Employees
From: POTUS
Subject: New Code of Ethics
Following our mandate to turn over a new leaf, to drain the swamp, and to Make America Great Again, we have adopted a new Code of Ethics that you must follow, on pain of excommunication. This memo outlines the differences between the ethics you may be used to, and those of the New Administration. Forget all those things your mother, your teacher, your priest, your rabbi, your minister, your philosopher or your therapist taught you. The MAGA, and He alone, provides the light of Truth and Justice that informs this new Code of Ethics.
| Old Code of Ethics | New Code of Ethics |
| Love thy neighbor as thyself. | Exploit thy neighbor for thyself. |
| Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. | Do unto others, then ensure the profits render unto you. |
| Render to Caesar what is Caesar’s, and to God what is God’s. | Render unto the IRS as little as possible, and keep the rest for yourself. |
| Whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. | Whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, hit him back with a vengeance. |
| Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. | Vengeance is sweet, saith the MAGA. |
| From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs. | From the poor take as much as possible, so the rich can fulfill their needs. |
| I am the Lord thy God, thou shall not Have strange Gods before me. | He is the Lord thy MAGA, thou shall not have strange Gods before Him. |
| Practice the Seven Heavenly Virtues: | Practice the Seven Deadly Sins: |
| Humility | Pride |
| Charity | Greed |
| Kindness | Wrath |
| Patience | Envy |
| Chastity | Lust |
| Temperance | Gluttony |
| Diligence | Sloth |
| Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor. | Repeat false witness enough times and people will believe it. |
| Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife. | Why not covet thy neighbor’s wife? Especially if she’s good-looking. |
| Thou shalt not commit adultery. | Why not commit adultery? But only if she’s good-looking. |
| Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the Earth. | Take advantage of the meek, and you shall inherit their wealth. |
| Judge not, lest ye be judged. | If you must go to court, choose your judge carefully. |
| Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country. | Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you. |
| The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice. | Bend the arc of the moral universe back toward self-interest. |
| Form a more perfect Union. | Make it difficult to form a union of workers. |
| All men are created equal. | Some men are more equal than others. As for women, well… |
| Be kindly affectionate, one to another. | There’s a sucker born every minute. Take full advantage. |
| What is the essence of life? To serve others and to do good. | What is the essence of life? To exploit others and inherit their goods. |
| It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. | Anyone foolish enough to drive a camel does not deserve to enter the Kingdom of MAGA. Rich men can go wherever they want. |
| Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. | Let he who commits the most sins get the first throne. |
| Honor thy father and thy mother. | Forget thy father and thy mother. |
| Thou shalt not steal. | It’s okay to steal if it’s part of a deal. |
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